Unmasking the “Good Girl”: Breaking Free from People-Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Self-Silencing
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Many women grow up with the unspoken (and often spoken) message: Be good, and you will be loved. Smile, say yes, be agreeable, put others first — even when it costs you your peace, your passion, or your authenticity.
In this episode of Shine In & Out, I sit down with UK-based self-worth and confidence coach Rosie Milsom, who’s leading a movement to help purpose-driven women stop people-pleasing and start living fully aligned, deeply fulfilling lives.
We explore the good girl archetype — where it comes from, how it shows up, and why it’s so costly to our mental, emotional, and even physical health.
What Is the Good Girl Archetype?
Rosie explains that “good girl” conditioning often starts in childhood as a survival strategy. It’s reinforced by praise for being polite, helpful, and selfless — while avoiding conflict, discomfort, or disapproval. Over time, this can lead to:
Chronic people-pleasing and overgiving
Lack of boundaries and difficulty saying “no”
Avoidance of conflict at the expense of self-expression
Perfectionism and constant overachieving to earn worth
Invisible burnout and emotional fatigue
The Hidden Costs of Being the Good Girl
Science has a name for the toll this takes: allostatic load — the accumulated stress your body carries from constantly adapting to please others. This prolonged stress can lead to hormone imbalances, anxiety, and even chronic illness.
Rosie identifies three “masks” the good girl often wears:
The Pleaser – avoids conflict, over-accommodates, and over-delivers
The Prover – overworks to earn approval and love
The Performer – hides behind a facade of competence while suppressing her
authentic self
Breaking the Pattern
Rosie’s coaching approach blends deep self-awareness with practical change. Her process includes:
Awareness – noticing when you’re shrinking, shape-shifting, or silencing yourself
Self-Discovery – identifying your values, strengths, and true desires separate from external approval
Tolerating Discomfort – building the resilience to withstand disapproval or pushback
Rebuilding Self-Worth – shifting from proving your value to living your value
Self-Worth vs. Confidence
Rosie makes a powerful distinction:
Confidence says, “Here I am, I’m doing the thing.”
Self-Worth says, “I deserve to be here, as I am.”
You can have confidence without self-worth, but it often leads to burnout because you’re performing rather than truly believing in your value. Self-worth is the foundation that makes confidence sustainable.
A Science + Soul Perspective
From a nervous system perspective, stepping out of the good girl role can feel uncomfortable because it triggers limbic friction — the inner tension between who you’ve been taught to be and who you really are. But this discomfort is also a sign that your brain is rewiring and healing.
Through practices that foster safety — like boundary-setting, self-expression, and surrounding yourself with supportive people — you shift into ventral vagal activation, the state where creativity, connection, and authenticity can flow.
Rosie’s Core Message
“You don’t have to earn your worth by being easy, agreeable, or perfect. It’s never too late to rewrite the rules and become the truest version of yourself.”
If this message resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And remember — you are allowed to be both kind and bold, both loving and boundaried. The “good girl” doesn’t have to disappear; she just has to become the version you choose.
You can connect with Rosie on Instagram at @rosie_milsom_coaching, LinkedIn, Facebook, or TikTok.
Rosie also has a free quiz you can use to identify your hidden confidence block: https://rosiemilsom.scoreapp.com
